Saturday, February 03, 2007

Professorial magic: administrator's handbook

But She's a Girl and PZ Myers have linked to a compendium of professorial spells. Oh, how I could use some of those.

However, most of the spells in the compendium deal with students; the author has sadly left out some of the higher-level spells that focus on administrative needs:

NIGHT OWL - Motivates an individual faculty member to accept 1d4 evening teaching assignments in the next 1d2 +1 semesters. Primarily cast by department chairs or others with scheduling responsibilities; those without the proper administrative title on their business card (a required component of the spell) have a -2 modifier applied to all rolls.

SILVER TONGUE - Caster immediately obtains a +3 charisma bonus towards committee members, administrators, board members, and school patrons. Spell lasts 2d6 x 10 minutes; caster must pass a charisma check at the end of the spell, or lose 2 charisma for 1d6 hours after the spell has ended.

GOLDEN TONGUE - This spell affects any single person it is cast upon. Person, in this spell, refers to committee members, administrators, board members, and school patrons. If the affected person fails to save vs. spell, they immediately believe that the caster is a political ally, and view all proposals and actions (past and present) of the caster in the most favorable light. See table 547b for the duration between required wisdom checks for the affected person.

PLATINUM TONGUE - Identical to GOLDEN TONGUE, except that it affects an entire committee (or other governing body).

MODERNIZE TEACHING - Cast on a single faculty member. If the affected individual fails to save vs. laziness, they immediately discard all their old teaching notes and other materials. The faculty member then reads current textbooks, journal articles, and other accurate sources to recreate their teaching materials. Spell lasts for as long as it takes the professor to recreate a complete set of class notes. Spell automatically succeeds if the caster is casting the spell on themselves.

CONJURE LIGHT FUNDING - Immediately provides 2d6 x $1,000 worth of funding for equipment and supplies into the relevant budget; funding is spendable without purchase orders with a successful save vs. administration.

CONJURE MODERATE FUNDING - Adds 2d6 x $50,000 worth of funding for faculty and staff salaries to the current year's budget; must save vs. administration or 25% of the funding is withdrawn to be used for other divisions.

CONJURE SERIOUS FUNDING - Provides 3d12 + 4 x $1,000,000 worth of funding for facilities improvements (remodeling, new construction, etc.); must save vs. administration or 75% of the funds are diverted to fund improvements for administrative buildings.

RUBBER STAMP - Cast upon a single document, the document immediately obtains all required signatures necessary for the next committee's approval. Must pass a diligence check or 1d10% of the signatures (rounded up) will be from the wrong people (DM's choice as to who they are from).

ACQUIRE SIGNATURES - When cast upon a single employee (faculty, staff, or administrator), that employee is able to locate all required individuals to obtain signatures for whatever document(s) they are holding for the next 1/2 hour + 1/2 hour per caster level.

ROOM OF SMILES - All committee members in attendance are prevented from making nitpicky comments about any of spellcaster's proposals unless they save vs. spell with a -1 per caster level modifier. Can only be used during committee meetings; lasts for the duration of the meeting.

FIND MEETING TIME - Allows the caster to find a single open meeting time in the next 1d3 weeks that 3 meeting participants per level of caster will be able to attend. Can be countered by CONJURE CONVENIENT EXCUSE; for more pressing meetings see the level 9 spell, CLEAR MEETING TIME.

CLEAR MEETING TIME - Can be cast on 2 people per level of caster. All subjects of the spell immediately have a meeting time (specified by the caster) in the next 1d6 hours cleared on their schedules; all subjects will be able to attend the meeting, regardless of what was otherwise to occur (e.g., no students show up to class, students all walk out of class, other meetings are canceled, participants are teleported to campus, etc.).

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